Pigs Are Intelligence
by Zooie
Summary: Attack of the crack fic! What's the newest and coolest ninja training method around? Drawing pigs, of course! Pity the Genin 12.


**Disclaimer: **Nothing besides the story is mine.

**Warnings: **None!

**Pigs Are Intelligence**

The day was a stormy one. The wind whipped through the streets of Konoha behaving much like a bargain shopper at a Bloomingdale's sale: it was fast, efficient, and ruthless, it penetrated every nook and cranny and it had no qualms about knocking over the elderly and infirm. The rain poured down in sheets, leaving no surface, no matter how well protected, dry. The streets were rapidly flooding, the window shutters were all a-rattling, and the buildings shook like a British nanny had a hold of them.

Though he was an outstanding ninja and thus immune to such trivial things as gale force winds and onslaughts of rain, Gai-sensei had no great desire to submit his glossy locks of manliness to the mercy of the elements. As such, he decided it was best to call an indoor training day. He figured there was no need to lose a day's lessons just because of some inclement weather! So what if Neji, Lee and Tenten got a little wet on their way to the school? They'd dry!

Because he was just so magnanimous and thoughtful, he even decided to invite the other instructors' students along to his lesson so that they too could partake of his massive stores of wisdom. He'd sent his precious Lee to tell his fellow students of the most generous summons, certain that his messenger would be greeted with much joy. It wasn't everyday the shining youths of Konoha got to work with a ninja such as him! He was positive they'd be most appreciative, absolutely tripping over themselves in the abundance of their gleeful euphoria.

Hence he was oh-so surprised when he arrived at the classroom and found eleven very disgruntled students. They were all dripping wet and shivering, small puddles forming beneath every pair of feet. Everyone was huddled together for warmth, except for Kiba who was standing in the corner by an open window. Gai guessed it was because he smelt rather strongly of wet dog. Hoo boy, but he hated the smell of wet dog. He gave mental props to whoever had relegated Kiba to the corner.

"Hello, my students!" Gai sparkled, stepping into the room with a flourish and a smile. "I am so happy to see you all on this most dismal of days!"

"Gai-sensei!" Lee leapt down from the desk he was perched upon, his wet, green bodysuit clinging to his body in rather unattractive ways. "I've gathered everyone just like you asked and you were right! The other instructors HAD cancelled lessons! If it wasn't for you, they would've been at home all day with NOTHING to DO!"

"THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" the eleven other students shrieked at Gai, their pupils dilated with rage. Well, Neji, Sasuke and Shino didn't shriek, but they glared so hard they might as well have. Actually, Shino's glare was indecipherable, being hidden behind his voluminous collar, but rest assured that he was indeed glaring with all his might and oi! Did he have a lot of might!

Hinata didn't yell, either, but she did gaze admiringly at Naruto, impressed by his awesome lung capacity.

"Now, now. No thanks are needed," Gai smiled nobly. "Molding your glorious youthful potential is the least I can do as a superior ninja. Now prepare yourselves, for my lesson is about to begin!"

"I'm cold, I'm wet, and I'm being ogled by a dead-last loser," Sakura squawked randomly, tossing her obnoxiously pink hair about in a tizzy. "I don't even understand why I have to be here!"

"Ne, ne, Sakura-chan!" Naruto announced brightly. "You look really pretty when your hair's all wet like that!"

"Really?" Sakura brightened and turned to the sullen boy beside her. "Do you like girls with wet hair, Sasuke-kun?"

"They look like drowned rats," Sasuke said bluntly. "It makes me hate them even more than usual."

"Oh," Sakura said, wilting visibly.

"I think you look beautiful, Sakura-chan!" Lee interjected, looming suddenly up behind her in that scary way of his. It was kind of amazing that anyone could be sneaky in green spandex, but boy could Lee do it! After all, he'd learned from the best.

Predictably, Sakura was not impressed. "Shut up, Eyebrows," she snapped, flouncing away to stand on the other side of the group. Lee began to wibble and Gai knew it was time to exert his masterful control over the group of rambunctious youths.

"Alright, my students and others!" he trumpeted. "Please seat yourselves at desks post haste. My lesson begins NOW."

Still muttering and grumbling, the students shuffled over to the desks and seated themselves. Each desk had three chairs and so, for convenience's sake, the teams sat together. Even Kiba left his post by the window so he could sit with his partners. Go, teamwork!

Or not.

"Umm… Kiba?" Hinata ventured timidly, nervously avoiding eye contact with the boy sitting next to her.

"Yes, Hinata?" he said politely, savoring the warmth Akamaru provided from where he was snuggled in his parka. Mmm. Warm Akamaru.

"Umm… How should I… Not to be rude… Do you think you could…" Hinata sputtered, shyness putting her verbal skills in an unbreakable chokehold of doom.

"Yes, Hinata?" Kiba repeated, unzipping his jacket a bit because, boy, was Akamaru hot and not just in terms of physical appearance!

"Ummm," Hinata mumbled. "Could you please…"

"You smell," Shino interrupted. "Go sit by the window."

"Why should I sit by the window!" Kiba glared. "It's cold over there! If you're so high and mighty why don't YOU sit by it?"

"Because I'm not the one who's single-handedly suffocating a generation of ninjas," Shino said readily.

"I'm not suffocating—" Kiba began to object, but then he looked around the room and found he was indeed causing high levels of asphyxiation amongst his peers. Several students were turning blue, most especially Shikamaru, although Kiba suspected he was just too lazy to breathe.

"Must… have… air…" Gai gasped from where he had fallen twitching to the floor.

"Alright! Alright! I get the point! Gosh," Kiba said stormily. "Come on, Akamaru. I can tell when we're not welcome." Head held high with pride, he rose and marched over to the door.

"Wait!" Gai commanded from his prone position. "You must not leave, at least not before drawing a pig!"

"A pig?" the class repeated blankly. Kiba stopped dead in his tracks and Akamaru stuck his head out of his jacket.

"Yes, a pig! A most glorious pig!" Gai glowed, seeming to levitate up off the floor. "You must all draw me a pig, but it must be in secret. No one must know the pig you have drawn. The pig's secret identity is imperative! Pig PIG pig pig pig!"

"Why do we have to do that?" Shikamaru complained, his voice muffled because he had fallen face down on the desk, holding his head up having become too laborious.

"I will tell you AFTER you've drawn your pigs," Gai said sternly. "Now, here! Take these pencils and papers and draw your pigs! When you have completed your masterpiece, put it in this envelope and give it to me. Remember, there will be NO peeking!" He flitted amongst the desks, giving each student a piece of paper, a pencil, and a manila envelope.

"What kind of pigs should we draw?" Sakura asked because she was a huge nerd and couldn't do anything without precise instructions lest she make a mistake and anger the teacher and destroy the entire world!1

"Do not bother me with your trivial problems," Gai sniffed. "Channel your youthful energy and creativity into your pencil and the pig shall come forth."

"Um… okay," Sakura said, looking a bit uncomfortable. "But, I'm not very creative. Is it okay if I—"

"JUST DRAW A FREAKIN' PIG!" Ino shouted from across the aisle.

"Can it, Ino-pi—" Sakura cut herself off, her eyes suddenly alight with inspiration. She bent over her paper in earnest and a hush fell over the class as they all became enraptured by their artistic experience. For the next half hour they all crouched over their drawings, focused single-mindedly upon them, and Gai did push ups to keep himself occupied. He could have drawn a pig, too, but that just would have been SILLY.

Eventually all the envelopes sans two were on the teacher's desk. Gai finished his five hundredth push-up and leapt to his feet. "Alright, my students, your time is up! If you have not put your envelope on my desk, please do so now!"

Shikamaru straggled up to the front of the room, stuffing his paper unceremoniously into the envelope as he came. His eyes were clouded with sleep and Gai thought he spied some drool on the paper before it disappeared into the depths of the envelope. He would have complained, but frankly he was just happy Shikamaru had done ANYTHING.

"Thank you!" Gai said to him as he dropped the envelope willy-nilly on the desk.

"Yeah, sure," Shikamaru yawned and returned to his seat. "Lend me your arm, Chouji. It's squishy and makes a nice pillow."

"Okay, Shikamaru!" Chouji said around the Twinkie he was busy masticating. He extended his left arm and his friend laid his head down upon it. Chouji giggled. "Your hair tickles and your head looks like a pineapple! I like pineapples! They're yummy."

"On second thought, nevermind," Shikamaru said quickly, choosing to pillow his head on his own arm instead. It was bonier, he being too lazy to eat much, but it was better than having his ear bitten off or something when Chouji inevitably ran out of snacks.

"One of you still has not handed in your paper," Gai said sternly, ignoring the antics of the two boys. "Using my incredibly skills of observation I have determined that Tenten is the errant personage. Tenten, please hand in your drawing at once."

"Shiny!" Tenten chirped happily, rolling her pencil back and forth between her fingers and watching as its metal cap caught the light.

"Yes, yes, shiny," Gai repeated, inching slowly over to her desk. "Now if you'll just hold still…" Taking advantage of Tenten's distraction, he snatched her drawing and stuffed it into its envelope before leaping back to the front of the room. "Phew!" he breathed. "That was a close one!"

"So what do we do now?" Sakura said, tearing her eyes away from Sasuke long enough to look attentive.

"Now I take the pictures OUT of their envelopes and hang them on this bulletin board that has conveniently appeared out of thin air!" Gai announced buoyantly. Then he did just that, hanging them up in a grid pattern so that the picture in the upper left hand corner was 1A and the one next to it was 1B and so on and so forth! Yay!

"Now," he said assertively before Sakura could ask another asinine question, "we will all look at the pictures which I have hung in no particular order and guess who drew them based on their appearance."

"Why would we do that?" Neji sniffed derisively.

"To prove my point," Gai answered, sounding as if that had been the stupidest question EVER and the answer should have been blatantly obvious to a half-blind platypus.

"What point would that be?" Neji demanded, clenching his fists in anger. Across the aisle, Hinata cringed fearfully, his rage being such that she could sense it from an entire THREE FEET AWAY and her Pavlovian conditioning demanded that she react in a submissive manner lest she be smacked down.

"I can't tell you my point NOW!" Gai exclaimed, completely immune to Neji's ire. "First we have to take our Ninja Notebooks and write down who we think made each picture! Then and only then can I tell you the true scope of my plan. Now, go, my students, go! Go and write with all your youthful intensity!"

"Do we have to?" whined the class.

"YES!" Gai glittered, striking his Nice Guy pose once again. Everyone reluctantly got up because, well, they weren't particular fans of the Nice Guy pose and if it would stop him from doing it again, they would follow his directions to a T. And so they took their Ninja Notebooks and went to stand in front of the bulletin board to write down their guesses.

When everyone had finished writing and were kind of just standing around randomly, Gai whipped out a piece of chalk and took up a position by the blackboard. "Okay," he said, "now you will take turns telling me who you think drew each picture and I will write it down!"

"This is so pointless," Kiba complained from the hallway that he was still banished to.

"Class, for three hundred push-ups, who drew 1A!" Gai screamed.

"NEJI!" bellowed Lee.

"AND HOW DID YOU REACH THAT CONCLUSION!" hollered Gai.

"BECAUSE THE PIG IS DEAD!" Lee screeched back, "AND NO ONE ELSE IS DERANGED ENOUGH TO DRAW A DEAD PIG AND LABEL IT, 'HINATA!'"

"No yelling," said Gai. "Does anyone have another opinion?"

Everyone shook their heads and Hinata looked disturbed.

"No one?" Gai asked, surprised that among the twelve students there was not one person who thought for themselves, even his beloved Lee!1

Everyone shook their heads.

"Oh, sadness," Gai teared and then got a hold of himself. "Moving on then, who drew picture 1B?"

"Sakura!" growled Ino.

"What makes you think that?" Gai asked, writing it on the board.

"It's a picture of a pig with MY hair and MY clothes and MY unique way of wearing a forehead protector," Ino seethed. "Who else could have drawn it!"

"Any objections?" Gai said cheerfully. None arose. "Okay, then! Who drew 1C?"

"INO!" yelped Sakura. "I know because it has a huge forehead and is wearing my dress. Only you could be so low, Ino-pig."

"Wow, those two really think alike," said Naruto. "No wonder they're such good friends."

"Does everyone agree Ino drew 1C?" Gai asked before the two girls could disembowel the slow-witted blonde. Everyone nodded. "Then who drew 2A?"

"Chouji," everyone said collectively, "because the pig is roasting on a spit above a fire."

"Does anyone disagree?" Gai asked. No one said anything. Sensing that there was never going to be any dissent, Gai then chose to move quickly through the remaining pictures.

"2B?"

"Shino, because it shows a close-up of a bug on a pig's back."

"2C?"

"Naruto, because they obviously tried really hard to draw it, but it's still the worst in the class."

"3A?"

"Tenten, because the pig is shiny."

"3B?"

"Shikamaru, because it's just a circle with a line coming out of it and only Shikamaru would be too lazy to draw more."

"3C?"

"Kiba, because it's the bones of a pig being chewed on by a dog."

"4A?"

"Lee, because no one else would draw a super muscular pig in the style of a Marvel Superhero."

"4B?"

Silence.

"4C?"

"I can't tell," said Sakura. "Only Sasuke and Hinata are left, but I can't tell who drew which pig. They're both so… normal."

"They are indeed practically identical in many ways," Gai agreed, "which is why I put them last! This is the point of my lesson, students. I will teach you how to analyze information and intelligence so that you will never be caught unawares or misinformed!"

"And how do you plan on doing that with drawings of pigs?" Sasuke said disbelievingly.

"Easily!" smiled Gai. "We will analyze the characteristics of the two pigs and then decide which of you two they better fit!"

"Doesn't that rely on already having accurate intelligence?" Sasuke asked.

"Nevermind that!" said Gai. "Let's analyze!"

He whipped a colorful chart out of his jumpsuit and walked over to the bulletin board. "Let's see…" he muttered. "Pig 4B is drawn towards the top of the paper. That means this person is an optimist. The pig faces left, indicating the artist is friendly, believes in tradition, and is good at remember important dates. It has few details, showing its creator is emotional and naïve. There are only two legs, indicating that this person is insecure. The ears are huge, so the artist must be a good listener. This person is a very sweet human being. To be honest, I would like to be friends with them!"

"Wow," said Chouji. "You learned all that just from the picture?"

"I did indeed!" said Gai. "Now let's do 4C! Hmm. This person disturbs me. The pig is down at the bottom of the paper, indicating its creator is pessimistic and has a tendency to behave negatively. Since the pig faces the front, the artist must be direct and to the point, a person who enjoys playing devil's advocate and instigates discussions. The level of detail shows that they are analytical, cautious, and distrustful. The four legs show they are stubborn, secure, and stick to their ideals. Finally, the tiny ears show they are a horrible listener. Egad! This person is self-centered, arrogant, and hell bent on revenge!"

"Gosh," said Kiba from the hall. "That makes it kind of obvious who's who, doesn't it?"

"Obviously," said Lee, "4C is Sasuke and 4B is Hinata."

"Yeah," said Naruto. "I can't imagine Hinata being an awful enough person to have drawn 4C. Sasuke, though…"

"I don't know," said Neji. "I can completely believe Hinata drew 4C. She IS from the Main House. I can understand her wanting to get revenge on me for my superior ninja skills."

"Well, why don't we end the suspense!" exclaimed Gai. "Hinata, which picture did you draw?"

"Um… 4C," she whispered, "but I don't…"

"I KNEW IT!" hollered Neji. "Prepare to be destroyed, cousin. All your base are belong to ME!"

"Sensei, I think your analysis may be flawed," interjected Sakura as Lee did his best to restrain Neji. "Maybe the pig being drawn at the bottom of the paper shows Hinata is down to earth. The pig facing forward could mean she doesn't lie or hide from the truth. It's detailed because she pays attention to details and likes everything to be perfect, which is also why the pigs have four legs. It's anatomically correct. Finally, the tiny ears indicate not that she is a bad listener, but that she's shy and tends to withdraw from others."

"Hmm," said Gai. "That does sound plausible. However, that is NOT what the webpage says."

"YOU GOT THIS FROM A WEBPAGE!" everyone hollered… except Tenten, because she was distracted by the pencil and not Hinata, either, because she SO doesn't yell.

"So troublesome," sighed Shikamaru.

"Tell me about it," agreed Chouji.

"Only Gai-sensei," complained Ino.

"My rage was almost used for naught," frowned Neji. "My faith in you lessens ever more, sensei."

"Let's go home," said Kiba. "The rain is letting up, anyway."

"Good-bye, sensei!" sobbed Lee. "Don't worry. I still believe in you!"

He then fled from the room, followed by the other students. Gai ran after them, still insisting he had been correct. All became quiet in the classroom despite the fact that one student had stayed behind!1

Sasuke stood in front of the bulletin board, frowning at the chart Gai had dropped in his hasty flight. He contemplated its laminated surface, glancing up at his pig drawing every so often. After a time, he shrugged. "The analysis of my drawing seemed pretty accurate to me," he said. Then he pulled his picture down off the bulletin board. "This will look good on my fridge," he thought out loud. He tucked the paper carefully under his arm and strolled from the room out into the rainstorm beyond.

**THE END**

This was inspired by the following webpage:

http (colon) (double backslash) drawapig (dot) desktopcreatures (dot) com (backslash) draw (dot) asp (question mark) ok (equal sign) 1 (and sign) f (equal sign)

Go and see what your pig says about YOU.


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